Dear Diary,

25th November 2010.
1:11 am
I know how to spell silence, it is the letter language hanging off the lips of words and the faint echoes of speech both refusing to come together. Of course, I’m not a silent person—not everyone would be like Maruwa—but the silence resounding in my brain is quite audible. I have never kept a diary—nahhh—it is so stressful, but here I am penning my last days—oh yeah my last days.
I didn’t plan all these—of course, who plans cancer? 3 years ago when Dr Fili announced my test result, my whole world fell apart and I’m yet to mend the broken pieces. LEUKEMIA!? Oh yeah—that was what it was and what it still is. How? Why me? Questions I will definitely ask God when I get to heaven.
 Well, I have been through a lot of radiation therapy, my mouth now tastes like drugs every time, I have been in and out of the hospital trying to live my last days in the best ways. So here is a 27-year-old lady diagnosed with Leukemia on a life and fun spree. I cannot die before I die.

3rd December 2010.
11:16 pm
I’m scared! The silence hurts and it is way too loud tonight. I am fading unnoticed into the background. My therapy session starts in a few months, but I’m tired of the whole therapy thang—I just want to live. I miss the old me.  I miss the sweet version of my soul, the one that was full of inner peace. I miss the one whose vibe paints the room in beautiful colours. The me that kind of didn’t feel anxiety towards anything. You probably don’t know how it feels to be happy and deeply sad at the same time with your tongue tied and pretending to be fine. I miss the ever-lively Keke that trades words with the crazy Kara, the Keke that boosts Maruwa’s morale, the Keke that squeezes the life out of life—but the irony now is that life is squeezing itself out of me.

15th December 2010.
10:32 pm
So Dr Fili said I should not worry about tomorrow and just make every day counts Of course, I’m a life lover and I will take one day at a time. So my ladies were here tonight. It was so much fun catching up on old times and discussing Mama Kara’s marriage saga. Like the society should just leave people to make their own decisions—at 30 but not married is nobody’s business—let people breathe! Well, I don’t have any plans for tomorrow but tomorrow will sort itself but for now, I’m so tired—I had a long evening. Bye!

1st January 2011.
3:15 am
Hey! It’s a new year and I’m still here!

29th January 2011.
2:15 am
Dr Fili is so concerned about my silence and secrecy. Really, it has not been easy staying in a dark hole alone, on some days, I just want to stop the pretence and talk to my friends about it. But how will they take it? I guess that is why it hurts more when I look into Kara and Maruwa’s faces and they don’t seem to know that I’m fading away day by day. Of course, it is no one’s fault that I'm wallowing in silent pains but sometimes I wish they can just see through me, most times I wish I had a hand to hold, other times I wish death could just come and liberate me from the daily pains.

5th February 2011.
4:50 am
Dee-haa-ri, I’m scared! I ought to have told my friends about my condition, right? It hurts to see their smiles and happiness when we are together. Will they still smile when I’m finally gone? We were at Kara’s place today and Maruwa brought up a delicate topic I’m yet to recover from. She asked what would life be without one of us? The question made me sober and I couldn’t help but think of what would happen if I told them I have been nursing a disease for 3 years and my chances of survival are low. I don’t want to hurt them—maybe later—but for now, I just want to enjoy my remaining time on earth. But really, how would life be without one of us?

17th February. 2011.
3:25 AM
I know I left with so many unanswered questions—I’m sorry—I was scared and mentally occupied with life—I just wanted to live life like I was normal. Everything happened so fast, those days you don’t see my green lights—those are the days I spend at the hospital receiving treatment. The days you call for a hangout, and I refuse, those are the days I’m trying to live the reality of my life. I hope you do not get to read these short diary entries—because I want to read them aloud to you when I finally have the courage to do that.
But if it turned out to be otherwise, I would be so sorry for the holes I left in your heart. I died daily and nursed my pain in silence but I never wanted to add my issue to your equation—knowing you guys barely made a C in maths—I can see Maruwa’s smile and Kara’s raised eyebrow—but frankly—I’m so sorry. My silence was an audible one but you didn’t pay so much attention to the echoes. I showed you my grave many times but you didn’t believe I was a corpse. I hid so well but you didn’t bother to find me. I gave no clue and you had no clue. I’M SORRY.

This is my reality—THE AUDIBLE SILENCE.

Did my fear justify my secrets?
May we heal from things that we don't discuss.

Drum Rolls pleaseeeeeeeeeeee!!!
It's been an amazing journey so far.
Thanks for the undying love and support! 
16-16 Garri!!!

Let's walk majestically into the comment section!👇

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Soaked in love,


  1. I love this. Audible silence. Feels so real. May we heal from things we don't discuss 🤲. Thumbs up

  2. This felt so really, I felt emotional reading it. It's a beautiful and sad story. Sometimes silence eats deep into our souls and snatches life from our hands. You are doing well dear

  3. I feel so emotional reading this..... Muna your choice of words are wow😘

  4. I feel so Emotional 😢😢😢😢.. God bless you dear.. The best piece I've read in weeks. Weldone baby

  5. This is the reality of most people including me. This was very real and I hope someday we heal from things that we don’t discuss. However I understand why we don’t speak up because we just don’t want to put our burden on other people. But to be honest great friends and family will be glad to spend those remaining days with you rather thank dying in silence.


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